ALI IS LOOKING FOR LOVE AND SHE DESPERATELY WANTS A MAN.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, welcome to today’s recap.
Praise the Lord, Taite has finally gotten his own single date. Screw you Bill, you can’t steal this one! Ali sets up the “perfect” date for her and Taite. The producers send both of them into the woods, steal all their food and water supplies, spin them around 45 times and tell them to find their own way back to the mansion. They manage to find their way to a couch where they make out for a solid couple of hours – even the mosquitoes are like “yeah nah we’re good” while they’re still attached to each other.
But, in saying all that, my mum did agree that Taite was as cute as a button so that’s pretty much all the approval he’ll ever need.
Now we’re up to the best part of the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise: meeting the family. The boys are going to be talking to Ali’s best friend and her cousin “who is basically just like my sister because we grew up together and she’s like my best friend we tell each other everything and I love her soooOoOOoOOOo much also lowkey hate her a bit but she’s my bestie so whatever you know”.
Ali says that Jess and Bianca have given her advice about her previous masters boyfriends which she has not taken. And it’s because she hasn’t taken this advice that she hasn’t been able to lock down a husband, not because she wants to get married after 6 months of dating and also because she latches onto emotionally unavailable boys who are afraid of commitment. No no, it’s because she ignored the advice. Seems legit.
I’m getting some serious police interrogation vibes from the girls when as they’re talking to all the guys. First up to the chopping block is Todd (THANK YOU PRODUCERS). The girls are fans of Todd, I’m a fan of Todd, Ali pull your head out of your backside and get around Todd because he is a whole snack. A full 48 pack of chicken nugs with sweet and sour sauce on the side.
Charlie walks in muttering “Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill”. He sits down at the table in front of the girls and starts rocking back and forth.
“Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill”.
“Hi Charlie how are y –”
“BILL!”
Charlie spends the whole time with the girls talking about Bill and what an d*ck he is and he points to the “f*cking door” once or twice.
I’m sorry Charlie are we at a barbecue at Bill’s house? THEN WHY ARE YOU ALL UP IN HIS GRILL? God damn give the guy a break.
More surprisingly, Ali’s best friend and cousin/sister/bestie/frenemy are not the biggest fans of Robert. Are we talking about the same Robert? The one that Ali force fed his own tomato sauce on the first night? What’s wrong with him? Apparently they don’t like that Robert talked AT them, not TO them. This is coming from the girls whose first question to Todd was “U FKCN WOT M8 WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?”
All I’ll say is THANK GOD Ivan wasn’t there because those girls would have bump and grinded (it’s a word get off my case) his ass all the way out the door after he busted his dance moves for them. Because you know he had a full 6 minute performance already lined up.
I’m not even going to go into the cocktail party because they’re all just the same at this point. The cold war between Bill and Charlie continued, Pete stood and laughed, Paddy covered his mouth in shock, that rando from last night is still there. We come for the drama, but we stay for the palpable awkwardness in the air as the boys fight in a battle of testosterone and wits and who can drink the most vodka sodas in one night, amirite ladieeezzzzzz?!
You know when cats fight and they just kind of stand there with their tails all puffy and they just kind of hiss at each other? That’s exactly what Bill and Charlie did the whole night.
Meanwhile, Ali took Robert aside to tell him that her friends hated him and he wasn’t going to last another day in this competition, sorry dude. And all of a sudden I’m seeing exactly what the girls are talking about because Robert is really just talking at Ali and she is not looking too impressed. Robert what have you done you fool? You were in this!
So we’re in the rose ceremony, Ali is following protocol by giving the men her roses, when all of a sudden she stops and pulls Danny outside. She tells Danny that she doesn’t feel like they have that special connection. I could have told you that two weeks ago hunniiiiiiiiii, get with the program. So she chooses to not humiliate Danny in front of everyone and send him home with his dignity in tact. But Pete? Oh no, he can suffer the humiliation. He gets the boot in front of everyone, making this a double whammy elimination.
Pete I’m just going to give it to you straight. You were just too freakin’ short. If you’re not tall enough to ride a roller coaster, you’re not tall enough to ride the Ali coaster AYYOOOOOI’msorryOOOO .
Next week, your boi Todd FINALLY scores himself a single date. Ali for the love of my own sanity and general well being, please don’t ruin Todd for us.
MY HEART.
Tune in to The Bachelorette Wednesday and Thursday at 7:30pm on Channel Ten.
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