Here we are again everybody! Back for another series of The Bachelorette, featuring possibly the most controversial choice for Bachelorette ever: Ali Oetjen. This is Ali’s third run in these series. She has featured on the Bachelor (no success), Bachelor in Paradise (no success), and now The Bachelorette.
Instead of taking the hint and taking up residence with Osher in his batcave in country New South Wales, she is taking another hit at love. So for the love of my own sanity and all things good in the world, someone please just love this woman. Please! There are only so many dating shows one person can appear on!
Of course the episode starts with Ali’s “journey”, and all her failed attempts at finding love and how miserable her life has been because she hasn’t been able to lock down a man – all that good stuff that all the single ladies watching love to hear. Osher looks at her with what we’re hoping is sympathy but comes across as more of a patronising little squint. She says she wants a man and a family and a house and a long-lasting love all before her eggs shrivel up and die otherwise she, too, will shrivel up and die – again, the independent single ladies here are loving this.
Osher, just bring in the boys already! More specifically the one with the lamb. Let’s see lots of him, thanks producers.
First into the ring is Charlie and I am already a fan. He’s a little older, little more mature, and he gives Ali a journal so she can document her experience – a journal for her journey, if you will. He too, wants the whole shebang: wife, kids, house, golden retriever called Billy. No mention of the dying eggs though. Smart move Charles. We like you.
Next up to battle is Robert, who gives Ali some Heinz tomato sauce in a glass jar. And because Ali is Ali, and what else would you do with an attractive Italian you met 43 seconds ago, she feeds him the sauce. And then licks her fingers that she’s just shoved down Robert’s throat. Does that count as the first kiss? What base is it when you shove your fingers in a man’s mouth? I feel like I’m watching something I probably shouldn’t be.
The next few people are honestly a bit of a blur. Damien’s old. Nathan’s a w*nker. Ivan can’t dance. Honey Badger’s back for more. Paddy’s a w*nker. Bill’s bloody adorable. Todd’s a babe and he should definitely get more airtime than any other contestants. Pete’s probably a w*nker. You get it.
Here’s how I kept track of the first few contestants that came out:
Osher sashays into the room, but he’s left his smoke machine and backup dancers at home which is a little disappointing. To grab the guys’ attention, he taps his wedding ring against his champagne flute.
“Check this out losers, I found a woman without having to sell my soul on television,” we imagine him saying in his beautiful brain.
Not unlike dogs, men only respond to high pitched, screeching noises. So all the boys scuttle towards the sound and boy are they excited to see Osher!
And to the clever little muffin that said, “I can’t believe I’m actually meeting Osher!” Me too man. Me. Too.
Honestly, watching the boys fend for Ali’s attention is both hysterical and a little pathetic at the same time. Paddy and Nathan have already got beef between them that doesn’t even involve Ali, so Father Damien has to step in and give the two boys (keyword: boys) a stern talking to.
Ivan, Bill, and some other rando go in the opposite direction from trying to win Ali over by choreographing and performing a dance. Clearly these guys didn’t read the Bachie Handbook Osher spent hours in his cave writing up because the aim of this show is to win Ali’s attention. Not to make her pop a blood vessel from cringing so hard.
Of course, this couldn’t be episode one without a ginormous, life-changing twist. Osher reveals the ‘wild rose’ which guarantees entrance into the mansion, a free blazer courtesy of Salvos, a hair styling session from Osher himself, and an extra 5k on Instagram. Boys: begin your attack.
After lots of kissing up and reluctantly offering Ali their toasty warm jackets, Bill takes out the grand prize of the wild rose, and Ali actually kisses him! This is the first time we’ve seen a kiss on episode one and I don’t know what to do with myself. Looks like Ali hasn’t read the Handbook either! And Osher worked so hard on it, the poor lamb.
But this kiss is so normal, so mundane! They’re not in a large body of water, or on the top of a cliff where first kisses normally take place. I am so confused. And the boys are not happy.
Cut to the rose ceremony, where we say goodbye to Brendan, and Honey Badger 2.0, Ben. We have to admit, we’re not surprised, nor are we disappointed. In all honesty, the lack of product placement is more disappointing to me than that elimination.
If episode one is anything to go by, we’re betting that this season of The Bachelorette is going to be absolutely hectic. Not hectic like, fully hectic, for all you Nathan’s and Paddy’s out there. We mean hectic as in chaotic and action-packed.
Wait, but what did they do with Bing the lamb?
Tune into episode two of The Bachelorette tomorrow night at 7:30pm, on Ten.