Hello and welcome to your weekly reminder that Ali is looking for love and won’t be leaving the mansion without a man. This episode we saw the return of the dreaded ‘Double Date Decider’, where two men would go on a date with Ali, but only one will return. Ivan and Bill get chosen for the date, and Ivan is a little too devastated. Like calm down bud you’ve been on one date and demanded Ali give you five children in the next 6 months while also admitting you probably wouldn’t be there for their childhood because you’d be too busy popping and locking Channing Tatum out of the Magic Mike franchise. He bursts into tears and is so inconsolable that even Paddy gives him a hug.
“It’s okay man,” Paddy says, comforting Ivan.
“You’re a good man, with great hair, you’ve got so much love to give and Ali is FIT AS F*CK AMIRITE?”
I’ll just say it now. That double date was one of the more painful things I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. The boys were commanded to make dinner and dessert for Queen Ali – what. A. TERRIBLE. Idea. I’ve witnessed a lot of stupidity in my short life. I have a friend who once screenshotted the home page of her phone to try and show me the crack in her screen. Believe me, I know a dummy when I meet one. But watching Ivan put an entire avocado, PIP INCLUDED, into a blender to make mousse was truly excruciating.
Thank GOD the editors maximised the situation by putting the sound of the blender spluttering and begging for mercy over the top of Ali and Bill’s conversation – well done guys, you actually made the show funny for once.
In the end, Ivan gets the boot and in a big “eff you” to Ali, he walks away mid-conversation, gets in the limo, and cries wee wee wee all the way home. He then goes on to say that if Ali ever changed her mind and wanted to come back to her (a la Blake “dirtbag” Garvey), he would not take her back. No way. You tell her Ivan you ginormous, sweet man. Ali didn’t deserve your body rolls.
Ivan’s grand exit from The Bachelorette, and Ali’s heart.
On the group date we have Charlie, Taite, Pete, Dan, Robert and Todd. Finally some well-deserved air time for Todd! Give the people what they want! The gentlemen are accompanied by some highly intelligent, 3 foot tall, little gremlins the producers have been training for 6 months in a remote camp in the middle of Alice Springs – nope, wait, they’re just children. And the guys have to make bikes which the little things will then use to race each other in an intense battle. The last gremlin to cross the finish line will be held captive by the producers and fed nothing but Ribena and untoasted bread crumbs. And the man to finish building the bike first wins alone time with Ali.
To be honest, I lost Pete halfway through the date – he’s about the size of a child so he was a goner from the get-go. And Todd basically adopted his little friend on the spot. They gave each other adorable nicknames and please excuse me while I go cry in a corner and wait for Todd to turn up in my letterbox with a rose and a 24 pack of chicken nugs. Robert is the only intelligent one here. He is keeping a solid one arm distance away from his child which is how I like to approach life in general. Keep a solid distance away and for God’s sake don’t ask them what their favourite Disney Princess movie is because if they say anything other than Beauty and the Beast they’re compulsive liars and you should absolutely tell them that.
Surprise, surprise, Charlie won the group date and the special solo time with Ali. Their alone time in a summary: Ali wants to find love, Charlie hates Bill, both pash, nothing new.
At the cocktail party, Bill and Charlie call a truce and I am that confused.
But HoLd On A mInUtE.
Who the hell is this? Did they accidentally pull him off the streets? Who is this stranger and why have I never seen him before? Nathan is that you in disguise? Is it one of the children on stilts? What is going on??
In the rose ceremony, Jules gets eliminated. He tells the boys he wants an invite to the communal wedding when they all marry each other, then climbs back into his hamster wheel and scuttles away to his hidey hole in Wangaratta where he can escape all of the razors and electric shavers in the world.
Ivan and Jules leaving the mansion together.
Tune in to another episode tonight where, if we’re lucky, we might be reminded again that Ali is looking for love.
Check out The Bachelorette at 7:30pm tonight on Channel Ten.