Welcome back to week two of The Bachelorette! That’s right, we’re three episodes in and holy crap the drama just keeps coming.
This episode opens with main man Paddy, who calls Ivan a muppet.
Good start team. We’re in for a good one.
Osher enters the room with a perfectly gelled quiff and a date card. At this point, the boys really do get more excited to see Osher than Ali. Do I blame them? Absolutely not.
The single date today goes to Robert, and old mate Bill decides, yet again, not to steal the date. We can almost hear the producers reminding Bill that he has to steal a date before the series ends.
“No Bill,” the producers say, rolling their eyes at each other. “You can’t steal your own date. Yes, we know it would be funny, but it defeats the purpose of the wild rose. Please don’t screw this for us.”
Ali takes Robert on a romantic speedboat date, before dragging him to an abandoned warehouse, with some enormous pieces of paper scattered throughout. Ali points out the obvious by saying that she’s had a rough time in relationships and she’s dated so many losers and still seems to think it’s nothing to do with her. We could have told you that in the very first show you appeared on mate– get with the program.
So what are Ali and Robert going to do on this date? They’re going to write down everything that went wrong in their previous relationships and then smash through them in a buggy. We know Ali is excited because she’s looking at Robert with her crazy eyes again.
What she thinks she’s saying to Robert with her eyes: you’re so sweet and I can’t wait to start this date and show you how vulnerability can be so beautiful.
What she looks like she’s saying: MY EGGS ARE DYING BEAR MY CHILDREN NOW.
Ali says first that she’s worried about falling too fast again. Babe you’re in a situation where you have 2 months max to fall in love with one guy and commit to him for the rest of your life. YOU’RE ON THE WRONG BLOODY SHOW.
Ali falling in love too fast.
Robert and Ali write their words, and smash through them in a car. Now their problems don’t exist! Good job guys!
Ali says that with the next part of the date, she plans on blowing Robert’s socks off. As my dad points out in disgust, he’s not even wearing socks. Coincidence? I think not.
In short, Ali has made Robert some tomato sauce and instead of eating it with pasta like normal human beings, they put it on some bread and shovel it down. The moody, pedantic, slightly racist 93-year-old Italian nonna inside of me is spewing.
Honestly, in what was already a bizarre date, the most surprising thing was that the both knew how to write the word ‘manipulated’. That’s a big word, and I am very impressed.
Back at the mansion the boys are online shopping or comparing beard lengths or whatever guys do when they’re left alone. But the announcement of a group date disturbs them from their activities, and everyone is invited! Bill says, “Any time with Ali is a good time”. This is coming from the guy who has kissed Ali once and not made any contact with her since.
Also where the hell did the alpacas come from, and why did it take three episodes for us to find out about them? That should have been the first thing we saw in episode one!
The producers are honestly just making up these dates for a laugh at this rate, because they’ve dressed the boys in togas and armour. Who doesn’t love a good man in a dress?
The boys all compete in a series of obscene challenges to win time alone with their girlfriend. Ali is very excited about the date, because the boys have to drag her on a chariot.
“The boys are already taking me for a ride,” she giggles to the camera. We are in a 7:30 tiME SLOT ALI COME ON MAN.
Bill and Charlie have a bit of beef because Charlie thinks that Bill is being selfish by trying to win Ali over for himself. Because that’s not the point of this whole show – we’re not watching to see who ends up with Ali in the end, we’re watching to see how many of the guys end up mates at the end of the series. And then we follow them on Instagram and tag our friends in their posts because the guys are so cute all together and we love the friendship that’s been built during the show.
Pull your head out of your ass Charlie.
Ivan wins alone time with Ali, and all the guys are super happy for him! Good on you dancing man, you deserve this!
Just kidding, Charlie is raging and Jules is just confused. He looks like he thinks he’s supposed to be happy for Ivan. But like, how happy you know? How happy should he be for the guy who’s going on a date with his girlfriend? And how do cameras work? What is a producer’s actual job?
Where has Todd been in all of this? You’re telling me that you dressed Todd in a toga and sandals and didn’t give him any screen time? Seriously?? What kind of show is this.
On their little date, Ivan proves that he really is there just to dance. He says that in five years he wants to star in a Step Up movie, he wants to have five children, and he wants to live in LA next door to Channing Tatum so they can share sick dance moves.
Ali, that’s five watermelons you’ll have to push out of yourself so good luck. Even worse, they’ll have Ivan’s dancing genes and lord knows that would not be worth the 12 hours of labour per child.
Out of the whole disturbing conversation, the part that gets to Ali the most is the prospect of moving back to LA where she has all of one ex-boyfriend. Ivan has just confessed that he’s going to use her to pump out five squealing little aliens, and use all of her hard-earned money from all her reality TV show appearances to pay for their dance lessons. Ali has had to drink so much champagne and hook up with so many good looking guys for that money Ivan– DON’T BE SELFISH.
Needless to say, Ali is unimpressed.
The cocktail party is just an extension of Bill and Charlie’s beef with each other. There’s a lot of finger pointing, they say “mate” a lot. I’m assuming that’s how guys normally fight. That’s a lie, I’m from Western Sydney. That’s how they all fight.
Thank goodness Ivan is there to break the tension with some of his cool dance moves. And he’s in a singlet too! Crisis averted.
Come the rose ceremony, Ali picks Ivan to go through to next week.
“But the aliens Ali!” I scream at the TV. “He’s using you for your eggs!”
We said good night to Father Damo and Wes (the other, better looking guy with the long hair). We’ll miss you, you good looking silver foxes.
Buckle up for tonight’s episode because it is set to be dramatic. Ali addresses those rumours (RE: the ex, the cheating, and the stairs) all because Nathan apparently starts spreading some rumours about the rumours. I’m already feeling personally offended by this because I picked Nathan in an office sweep and now I’m definitely going to lose. Nath, you had one job. Literally… just one. Couldn’t even do that right.