Welcome back! We’re on episode two of Ali “I like being in his arms” Oetjen’s quest for a man. So far we’ve seen some pretty big egos and already seen a bum (thanks George). Ali has also already kissed one of the guys so I’m really not sure where it’s going to go from here.
Charlie gets the first date of the series which is a great sign for him in the long run. This tells him that he made a great first impression on Ali and she wants to spend some alone time with him without the kids. Old mate Bill has the potential to steal the date from Charlie, because of the Wild Rose he won during the first cocktail party. But he doesn’t steal it because he doesn’t see Charlie as a threat.
Them’s fightin’ words, Bill.
Of course, it wouldn’t be The Bachelorette without some death defying date. The couple are supposed to play Twister at the top of a building, as I do on so many of my first dates, but they get onto the Twister mat, suspended in mid-air, and Ali has a conniption and demands that they turn back.
To Charlie’s credit, he was really great given Ali’s hysterical state and several missing eyelash extensions. He was very comforting, but not in a condescending way, and did not judge Ali one bit for her fear of heights. What. A. Man. I can tell you right now that if the situation was reversed and if I were facing a man crapping himself over his fear of heights, I would absolutely be laughing and rocking the suspended Twister board. Charlie, you’re a gem.
Now for the more intimate part of the date, which is in a room called the ‘Velvet Room’. Ali is in a wedding dress because what else would you wear on your first date with a man? Normal clothes? HA. Get real. I honestly don’t know what they’re going to do because they’ve already kissed, so what else can they do? Talk? God forbid. But they do talk. About roller coasters. And they cheers for roller coasters. This has got to be a stitch up. This is not a real date. We are in the matrix.
The date ends with Charlie getting a pretty rose and then they kiss again and you get the gist. But where the hell has Todd been in all of this? Bring us more Todd!
When he gets back from his date, Charlie gives the boys a stern talking to about being ready for love and if you’re not ready you can just rack off now. All the boys pay attention to Charlie’s TED Talk except for Paddy who is off in a corner pulling the wings off flies or something.
Group date time! Ivan calls out the lucky kiddies who get to join Ali on a date and to be honest I don’t remember all of them because they’re all tall, white, and look the same. But Todd is going (YAY), Paddy is going (ugh), and Robert is going. He’s run out of tomato sauce though so he has to spend some time figuring out a new way to get Ali’s hands down his throat.
The boys head to the date and find out that they’re going to be in a photoshoot for the cover of some romance novels. To save you the agony of reliving the whole cringey date, here’s a few highlights: Paddy is dressed as a bellboy and has to wear a stupid hat, Dan tries and fails to chat Ali up (she stopped paying attention to him after he lost the lamb), George’s name is actually Jules and I’ve been calling him by the wrong name the whole time, the producers put Todd in a friggin’ mask (WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH), Tayte almost gets a kiss, and Robert manages to charm Ali sans tomato sauce.
Fast Forward to the cocktail night. Charlie prefaces the night by telling the boys to go do their thing and be their peacock-y selves around Ali because he already has a rose and didn’t really need the alone time for now. But did that last long? Absolutely not. Charlie sees Ali walk off with Cheyne and all of a sudden he’s beating his chest and is leaping from the turrets of the Bachie mansion, clearly very jealous of the guys who just received Charlie’s blessing to go snatch Ali up.
Charlie, your testosterone is showing. Tuck that back in bud.
“You look SO handsome tonight,” Ali says to Cheyne (whose name is pronounced Shane but because it’s 2018 and he wore a kilt on the first night, we can’t spell it the normal way.)
You know when a little kid, maybe a niece, nephew, or sibling, comes up to you with straws in their hair, nail polish in their eyebrows, and blue eyeshadow on their teeth, and you tell them they look cute even though they don’t? It feels a bit like that.
So Charlie ends up gatecrashing Cheyne’s private time with Ali and to be honest, I feel really bad for Cheyne. He wore a skirt on the first night and his barber was clearly all booked up for the 12 years before his big Bachelorette debut – he’s got a lot of making up to do, the poor doll.
But Ali takes it one step further with a big EFF YOU to the rest of the guys by stealing Robert saying that there was something she just had to do. She takes him away for a pash in the bushes, because apparently Ali and Robert are 17 year olds at a house party, they’ve both just downed some Double Blacks and have been staring at each other from across their mutual friend’s garage for the last half hour.
I’m calling bullsh*t on you, Ali. If you really, genuinely knew what you wanted, you wouldn’t be going around kissing all these random bearded men every night. Because kissing bearded men causes acne, EVERY GIRL KNOWS THAT. You tell them that it’s shave or bust if you want to save yourself some serious chafing. My god, I feel like I have to do EVERYONE’s jobs for them. It’s like, can’t I catch a break for once. Seriously.
It’s time for the rose ceremony and Jules is really starting to worry that he might be going home. He seems to think that it’s because he hasn’t made a proper connection with Ali. Bro you showed her your backside last night. It’s time to start reevaluating your actions.
But Cheyne is the unlucky lad who gets the boot, and the fact that Paddy is still there and it’s night 2 is pretty astounding to me. He looks like the kind of guy that couldn’t grow a beard even if he tried, and Ali clearly likes her bearded guys, so I’m not worried.
Tune in next Wednesday for another episode of The Bachelorette at 7:30pm on Channel Ten.