Good morning and welcome to today’s edition of ‘Brittany is going home alone’.
The long-awaited finale of the longest season of The Bachelor ever is finally here. The show starts with Nick on a mountain. Due to budget cuts, they couldn’t access a perfectly abandoned forest, and because of an absolute outcry on social media, Nick has kept his shirt on. Smart move producers.
Nick rambles about love and women and probably calls someone a “good sort”, but are we really listening? Absolutely not. It’s been a long six weeks, and if we’ve learnt anything, it’s that Nick’s words aren’t really words and we should not listen.
Now we’re being introduced to the Badge’s family, and I’m confused. They’re, like… normal. Where’s the curly mop of hair? Where are the seedy moustaches? Is that his sister or his mum? The confusion is so real.
We immediately find out that the family already likes Brooke the best. But is Brooke there? No. Why? Because Nick’s an idiot. And his family clearly already knows that. Even Nick’s sister-mum is saying that Nick isn’t ready to settle down. Read the room Honey Badger.
Brittany is the first lady to meet the family. You know when you’re speaking to people you don’t know well so you laugh at the end of everything you say to diffuse the tension and convince the people you’re meeting that you’re “super fun and know how to have a good time but not too much of a good time JUST LOVE ME PLEASE”? There’s a lot of that.
I wonder if Britt knows who else has met Nick’s family?
Nicks’ sister steals Brittany away for a chat where, surprise surprise, she confesses her undying love for Nick and also manages to sneak in a little comment about her eggs dying and she MUST PROCREATE NOW. Easy Britt. Keep your eggs to yourself.
Sophie also gets the chance to meet the Cummins Family in the name of fairness and equality and feminism and because we just want to see more of Nick’s brothers. Speaking of the brother, one of the two Badgie brothers steals Sophie away, and makes Sophie cry because of how much she loves Nick and how “ready” she is to be with Nick forever and ever. When she gets back to the family, she talks about how she wants to travel and see the world before settling down. GIRL GO DO THAT BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW HIS HAIR CRIMPER FROM HIS CURLING IRON. Damn, life does not have to be this hard.
Now for the final single date, and we’re joining Sophie first, who made the executive decision to wear heels on a beach. Where do they find these people?
Nick rocks up on a jetski, because Bachelor. Let’s be real here. We know that the first thing Sophie thought about when she saw that jetski was her perfectly styled hair. See ya later effortless beachy waves.
The two go for a swim, have a good yarn about feelings and how yucky they are (the feelings, not themselves. But also still applicable), pash a little bit, and boom: date over.
Next up to the ring: Brittany. As if the ice cream van from last week wasn’t skeezey enough, now Nick is taking her up into a treehouse in the middle of nowhere. Someone show this woman one Healthy Harold and alert her to stranger danger because this is getting ridiculous.
After a helicopter ride (because Bachelor), Nick and Brittany sit and have a chat about how much Nick isn’t ready to commit to Brittany and how much he really doesn’t like anyone at all. Good chat. Boom: date over. Britt, you’re a goner mate.
Now they’re all getting ready and Nick pulls out the ring but holy crap that ring is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. A red rock Nick, seriously? No wonder all those girls left you. Pity the fool that gets that!
Sophie looks like a bombshell. Brittany’s wearing a wedding dress. Nick’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a blazer and I think my dad is going to throw his wine glass at the television. Let’s see some rejection!
Osher gee’s Nick up for his big decision, as he does so so well, and Nick strolls over to the Circle of Rejection which, inconveniently, is surrounded by a pool. No escaping now, badgers can’t swim!
The car pulls up and we’re waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting HOLY SH*T SOPHIE IS THE FIRST ONE OUT OF THE CAR?? You’ve got the wrong girl Nick! THE WRONG GIRL.
The rejection is about as excruciating as it gets. Then, Bridal Barbie (Brittany) rocks up and the happy music is blaring. I stress-ate all my popcorn at the start of the episode so now I don’t have anything to gnaw on anxiously while the drama unfolds. Nick’s jabbering on about how he doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants a life partner and blah blah blah and holy crap now he’s dumping Brittany as well. What is going on here? Britt and Soph are both losers? WTF?!
I’ve stopped listening to everything because now I’m screaming at my family about how Brooke is going to come out of the ocean and they’re going to reunite and swim back to Australia, because look at them. They’re athletic AF, and they could tow Osher along behind them, so long as they didn’t wet his hair!
In the words of our wise leader Brittany: Wowee. What a bloody time to be alive. Nick took control of that situation, won himself free return airfares to New Caledonia, got to ride a jetski, and gets to keep up his single, bachelor lifestyle. That’s the whole point of this show right? The bachelors that won the girls are the losers. Thank goodness I only watched the last three episodes, otherwise that could have been a real waste of time! Peace out, Honey Badger and au revoir, The Bachelor!
The drama doesn’t end here. Tune in next Wednesday night for the season premiere of The Bachelorette, on Channel Ten.
