We’re getting to the pointy end now. Three girls left, two episodes to go, and still one too many Honey Badgers to handle. This episode we follow the girls on their individual dates as they all try one last time to woo Nick and win the ultimate prize – an extra 10k followers on Instagram.
We start off with Sophie. The delirium has clearly gotten to Nick, because he’s stopped trying to win Sophie’s heart. In fact, he’s gone in the opposite direction by taking her skydiving. We could say something sweet about the jump symbolising the leap of faith Sophie and Nick are taking by beginning their relationship. But you look at Nick in those goggles and try and say something deep and meaningful. Not gonna happen.
Luckily for them, “wind conditions” stopped the duo from taking the leap. Ironic? We think so.
Next up we have Brittany. Last time Britt and Nick met up alone, Brittany had some pretty scathing things to say to Nick regarding his sordid love affair with Cass and how the whole show was just a publicity stunt that would end in Cass and Nick moving to Guam, and starting a family of baby badgers who speak only in “Honey Badger Slang”. We’re low key hoping this date goes a little better, but also high key hoping Britt’s dad makes another appearance. That guy knows how to have a great time.
Now we’re not sure how much Britt learnt about stranger danger in primary school. But at the very least she should know that when a man sporting a seedy moustache approaches you in a van and offers you ice cream, you run the other way. But because this is Nick’s world and we’re all just living in it, Britt and Nick take their mango sorbets and go and have yet another deep chat about old mate Cass. But Honey Badger manages to dodge any conversation by taking Britt dancing, where a live string quartet plays for them, and they dance together. Very romantic, but we’re not convinced.
What we are convinced about is that Brooke is the one for our Bachie. They start their date on a motorbike because how else would you get around, other than in a school bus (a la Cass’ date). Their date consists of a painting session, but who wants to paint on paper when you can paint on each other’s bodies. And how is that paint going to come off? In the shower of course! Sounds like another classic Osher stitch up.
This leads to yet another steamy Bachelor moment, but all of that is quickly overshadowed when Brooke takes Bachie for a chat about feelings and love and all that gross stuff that, really, who would expect on a show like The Bachelor?
Brookey babe basically just asks for reassurance. And why shouldn’t she? She’s in a vulnerable position, and she wants to know that all this anticipation and anxiety and cheap champagne is worth it. Fair enough we say!
Apparently, though, Nick knows how to say things like “I just saw the line, pinned me ears back and ended bagging a bit of meat in the corner there” but when it comes to saying simple words like “I”, “love”, “you”, and “Brooke”, all the little monkeys in Nick’s brain go into overdrive and all of a sudden he is mute.
When that date ends very suddenly, and without the conclusion we all needed, we are all left a little worried. And we’re taken straight to the rose ceremony. But what about the cocktail party? We’re checking the guide and it’s 8:35pm but the show ends at 8:47pm. AND WE’RE ALREADY AT THE ROSE CEREMONY?
This tells us one thing: sh*t is about to go down.
Brooke steps out of the rose ceremony, which sets off all kinds of alarms. Osher, being the bloody gentleman that he is, takes Brooke to Nick upon her request, and the two sit down for a chat before the ceremony. And Brooke informs Nick that she “needs to go home”. Nick, NOW IS THE TIME THAT YOU TELL HER NOT TO LEAVE. NICK! USE. YOUR. WORDS.
“I’m not going to stand in Brooke’s way,” Nick says instead. BAD NICK. WRONG WORDS.
Brooke is on her way. Soph and Britt are safe and have scored a free trip to New Caledonia. Nick, you’re a fool, and Osher, keep the skin-tight suits coming.
What could the season finale possibly hold for us? The only thing we know for sure is that Nick will have his ‘stache prepped and primed especially for the occasion. But when does he not?
Catch the season finale of The Bachelor tonight at 7:30 on Channel Ten.
