Let me just preface this by saying that I did not see Todd once in this entire episode and I am incredibly disappointed.
Onto the recap.
This is it guys, Ali finally addresses the rumours that have plagued her for the last 12 months! But we have to wait an hour and a half before we reach the 30 second conversation where she talks about them.
The producers are clearly budget cutting this season because instead of Osher coming and delivering a date card, Ali delivers the news herself. Ali says that she loves waking up early and doing outdoorsy, adventurous things because she’s so adorable and relatable also she’s looking for love, has she mentioned that? As soon as she says the word “adventurous”, you can see the light drain from Pete’s eyes as he realises that Ali is not the one for him.
Does playing sleeping in ‘til 12pm, playing X-box, and letting your mum do your washing count as something adventurous? Pete is seriously regretting his decision to be on this show.
Pete when Ali says she likes waking up early.
And it’s finally Taite’s time to shine because he gets the single date! He comes out of the room in his pink pyjamas and is clearly over the moon that Ali hasn’t kicked him out over the pyjamas alone.
Cue the intense orchestra music though, because Bill still has his wild rose and he chooses to steal the date off Taite. Screw you producers, Taite is a gorgeous little muffin who has hurt no one and only wants to be loved and you ruined that. He’s pretty upset, understandably, but Charlie is enraged because Taite’s love life also directly affects him, obviously. Charlie’s in it for the boys now. He’s just realised that Ali is from Adelaide and marrying her would mean moving there, so he is DONE.
Ali drives Bill to their date because feminism and equality and women can drive too, where the two will be wakeskating in Sydney Harbour. Can Ali wakeskate? Of course she can, she’s outdoorsy. Can Bill wakeskate? Hell no. Does he make a fool of himself? Absolutely. Does Ali make out with him anyway? You know it. Why? Because she’s LOOKING FOR LOVE and Bill is a man with a mouth so like… Why not?
Back at the batcave, Paddy, Charlie and someone else who I honestly forgot was there to begin with are having some special boys time lifting weights and gossiping about the other boys there. The consensus? Nobody likes Bill. At all. This is not going to end well for B-money.
The group date is a compatibility test. The date opens with a talking head from Danny and we basically already know he’s going to win this date. We haven’t heard a word from him since day one, and all of a sudden he’s doing an interview about how badly he wants to win. We’re not stupid, producers, we’re experienced now! We know your tricks.
For someone who is trying to find some genuine who isn’t going to tell her exactly what she wants to hear, Ali fell right into this one. She’s got guys telling her they’re ready to settle down and have a family at 23 and 24 years old, and she believes them? Someone give this girl a reality check before she marries Jules or Ivan, or God forbid… Paddy.
What we mainly understand from this challenge is that the guys are all: a) losers, b) clearly still live with their mothers, or c) stage 7 clingers . Robert says that a married couple should call each other 7 times a day. Nathan reckons a couple should move in together “as soon as possible”. Charlie immediately calls Nathan out on this answer, despite the fact that he put the exact same answer. Where is the logic? Logic is having a cocktail on a beach in Bali while these idiots try and answer these questions using what very little brain power they have.
Charlie thinks a couple should move in together after 1-2 months of dating. Ivan still says he wants five kids. And Ali thinks you should get married after 6 MONTHS OF DATING. They’re all nuts and if I didn’t have enough anxiety about love and marriage and moving in and kids and adulting, I certainly do now. Osher pushing these guys over when they get an answer wrong is a big mood, too. You want to get married in the next 12 months and have 3 kids with a partner who loves you and appreciates your presence in their life? Nah f*ck that.
As predicted, Danny wins the alone time with Ali. They’re having a good chat, Ali says Danny is smart, Danny says Ali is smart, and then Danny. Kisses. Ali. Like, out of the blue. Unprecedented. Just pashes her. Ali, for once, actually looks like she didn’t enjoy it! And that’s saying something, talking about the lady that kissed more guys than I could poke a stick at — and believe me, I’ve tried.
The producers are clearly regretting their decision to force Ali to choose Danny for a date. That went straight down the tubes.
My reaction when Danny kissed Ali.
So we’ve waited and waited for these bloody rumours to be addressed and now it’s finally happening. Charlie stirs the pot by taking Ali aside and telling her that Nathan also stirred the pot by spreading the rumours about her and Grant. Ali stands up with an angry “LET ME AT HIM” and I’m thinking, hell yeah she’s going to slap him. Nobody ever starts a fight with the phrase “let me at him” and doesn’t end it with someone on the floor. But instead, Ali talks at Nathan, and he tries to defend himself by saying that he did talk about the rumours with the guys.
Nath, that’s not how you defend yourself, you’re supposed to deny everything, cry, avoid the topic, storm off, do a couple of shots, and then hit Charlie.
ME
TOO.
So Nathan gets kicked out by Ali and now I’ve lost the office sweep. Now that the rumours have been debunked, I really don’t know where the rest of the series is going to go. But whatever you do, if you plan on watching the episode again, do not take a shot every time somebody says the word “rumours” because you will literally die.
Tune in next Wednesday for more of The Bachelorette at 7:30pm on Channel Ten.
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