We set the scene for last night’s Bachy episode with a segway racetrack. It all makes sense now. The Bachelor is a game show for the Survivor rejects, not a show about finding love.
The girls segway around the course, answering questions about Nick along the way, all while competing for- you guessed it- alone time with him. Brittany almost ends up in a full-body cast in an attempt to win, yet Brooke is the one spending alone time with Nick in the end.
I am not exaggerating when I say this is Brooke’s thirtieth single date. Honestly, is he even dating any of the other girls anymore? The girls are rightly upset, and you can be sure those emotions will carry into the cocktail party. Strap in.
First, we have to get through Emily’s date. This is her first single date and she should know that if her date is this late in the game, things aren’t going very well. They do some ballet and we get to see Nick in tights. Win-win situation.
Next, they sit down for a chat and unsurprisingly, this is where things go downhill. Nick has this horrible habit of running out of things to talk about, when there are literally a million things to talk about. I have never met Emily before and I can still think of at least three things to ask her. However, like a proper thirty-year old man, Nick chooses the topic of hair, and wants to know whether she curled it that day. I believe the better term for this topic is called grasping at straws.
Finally the cocktail party is here and it did not disappoint. Osher reveals there is one more date card and it’s up to Nick to decide who is worthy.
Shannon pulls him aside with a sweet profession of her love and how she believes they would compliment each other well in a relationship.
“I love that,” he responds with eyes glazed over. I am not sure if he is talking to Shannon or thinking about the pizza he is going to UberEats to his house when this night is over.
Sophie decides to draw him a stick figure outlining the things she loves about him, including his heart and his muscles. It looks like a kindergartner drew it, but he loves it, once again proving he needs a visual representation to understand feelings (think back to the whole Tenille/Cat/Romy candle situation).
Dasha reminds us that she has a strict rule to not approach a guy. I get the statement she is trying to make, but he also has six other girls to deal with so maybe breaking the rule just this once wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
Rose ceremony time. Just when you think Emily or Dasha are going home and you have this game in the palm of your hand, BAM! It strikes again.
Blindsided, Shannon gets sent home. She mutters “you should have just kissed me” to Nick and proceeds to look at him a second too long. This is definitely a hint for him to kiss her. Except it does not work like that. The laws of The Bachelor are very strict and if you break them, Osher will prosecute to the fullest extent.
It is time to get in the car now dear, Shaza. She is devastated while Nick does not care. An emotion he has showed a lot of this season.
We then cut to a bunch of shots of the girls crying on the floor and hugging each other which begs the question- why are you sad? You are one less girl away from “the man of your dreams,” who is is apparently already running the streets of Manly with a new girl.
Next week, Nick and Sophie get alone time and remember when Nick slammed producers for not letting him, well, you know, on the show? Yeah, this is probably what he was referring to.