If you’re single, Valentine’s Day can be just another reminder of your deficient dating life. It’s a whole day dedicated to really highlighting your failure to land a date/partner/the whole love thing. At least one benefit of being single on Valentine’s Day is that you don’t have to pretend you like some terrible present that your significant other bought you. But even that sweet refuge is over.
You can now buy yourself or your single friends a range of terrible products for singles trying desperately to replicate love through mass manufactured goods. These Valentine’s Day products are meant to give singles all the benefits of a relationship without the actual relationship, but they definitely miss the mark. Have a look at our picks for the best terrible Valentine’s Day products for singles and let us know which one you think is the worst.
Body Pillows
Don’t have anyone to share your bed and give you affection? Why not get your snuggles from an inanimate pillow? It’s basically the same thing according to these products (my favourite is the boobs pillow). These range from the lap pillow (a pair of legs wearing a miniskirt in a seated kneeling position) to the boyfriend pillow (a pillow that imitates the wraparound arm of a sleeping partner).
Kissing Pillows
In the same vein as the body pillows, these pillows try to substitute for human interaction with a cushy pillow. However, this is definitely not a pillow you’d want around the house when your parents come to visit. This ‘practice kissing pillow’ has a rubber mouth and nose made from the same material as a CPR dummy. This gift says “You’re alone because you don’t know how to kiss at all”, so it’s a really thoughtful gift for single people.
Some zipper help
If you’ve ever seen How to Be Single (which, let’s be honest, you have because you’re single and it’s #relatable), you’ll know that pain-in-the-ass Alice hated being single because she was useless at zipping her own zippers. She was also useless at being single, but that’s for another time. This handy ZipMyself product allows you to bypass that single awkwardness without needing to snag yourself a significant other. Winning! You attach it to your hard-to-reach zipper and tug. This is the best of the worst Valentine’s Day gifts for singles, because it’s actually useful. It still makes the list though, because what kind of gift is this?
Phallic eggs
This is the perfect gift for your friend who loves dick but isn’t getting any in her life. It’s a hilarious gift but one that you would hate to actually receive, especially because of the (not at all subtle) implication that you don’t have enough dick in your life.
Vengeful knives
If you or your friends have ever been romantically scorned or have a score to settle, this is the gift you need in your life. This terrifying knife holder will fulfil your revenge fantasies without any actual bloodshed. It will also allow you to take out your anger at Valentine’s Day so it’s actually not the worst gift on the list. You probably wouldn’t want your parents to see it though.
Devastating cookbook
There’s nothing that says ‘single for life’ more than a cookbook for one. This cookbook is especially devastating because it strongly suggests a lack of cooking skill. This is a gift I would throw at someone’s head upon receiving (or do a Mindy and leave in a dramatic hurry).
